The aftermath

Having an emergency surgery is scary. And it's not easy to recover when you've lost a good half of your blood volume. Trying to recuperate with three small children, remodeling and moving all at the same time is daunting. But losing a baby in the middle of it all... that is the hardest of all.

We named our baby. We felt like he was a boy, and so he is not an "it". He was a person, real, living, ours... even though we never met him. His name is Treasure. Gone to be with Jesus November 4, 2013. And our hearts ache. Well, more than ache. They are pierced. And I've discovered that the ones who have been through it before can really understand. They know the feeling of a sword in the soul. They know about the tears that come out of nowhere and flood that stinging wound. And they, too, have found the mercy of God bringing sweet balm in the night when the tears won't stop. Now, I know it too.

I remember one night especially. I was laying in my easy chair, looking out into the vast expanse of the dark heavens. Because of residual pain from surgery, I hadn't really been able to let myself cry yet. But the tears started flowing. The emotional pain radiated more excruciating than the physical pain had earlier. I looked at the twinkling stars, and thought of my God. He was big enough to make all that, ALL that amazing expanse, with a word or two. Surely, a God that big could have intervened, could have put Treasure where he belonged, could have stopped this tragedy before it started. But, He didn't. He chose to allow us to walk the path of loss, pain, and anguish. He chose to take Treasure before our precious baby had to discover pain and heartache and sin. He chose to allow Treasure the joys of heaven without the tears of earth. He set our son free. Could I want to bring him back from that, even while my soul yearned against the bonds holding me to earth? I couldn't even question why. I just had a peace flood over me that yes, there was a reason, even though I can't see it now. God was in control, and in His love for Treasure AND for us, He chose to give us the gift of grief.

Knowing I had come so close to joining Treasure in heaven was a little startling for us all, I believe. But, even though I had thought of it as I was being prepped for surgery, I found I was not afraid. I had no apologies to make. Lots to regret, but nothing that hadn't been forgiven. And when it was evident I was going to make it, I found my heart saying with Paul in Philippians "Having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better." Yet too, the heart-groan when you realize that you work on earth is not done! "Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you (meaning, for me, my young family)."

Physically, recovery has been long and hard. After losing so much blood I have been very, very weak. Now it's been more than 6 weeks, and I have gained a little strength back but not a whole lot of stamina. Washing the laundry takes all the strength I have for one day. If I tackle too much, I end up having to rest the entire next day, or two, or three. I have been taking iron tablets to attempt to build my blood up. But my strength is so limited that the Trim Healthy Mama lifestyle has kind of fallen by the wayside. Along with a lot of other things. We have been grateful for much help from church friends and family, bringing meals, helping us move, and helping out with things like laundry and cleaning. I've been told it will probably take around 3 months for me to regain my stamina, so it still seems like a long journey ahead of me.

And the memory of Treasure will remain even after my strength is back and we look like, from the outside, like we always did. But our hearts have been broken, and I trust that God will bring a fragrance from this heart rending that will bring Him honor and glory, and allow us to be a greater blessing to those whom we might chance to meet.